As #SelfLoveTember draws to an end I’ve unexpectedly found myself feeling wow, I learnt a lot about self-love this month and it feels epic. I thought I knew a lot already but now I feel like I’ve been bulldozed over with new wisdom and guidance and it feels amazing. So here are the things I’ve learnt, now a lot of them I knew already but I wasn’t living them before and that’s the difference. I thought I was, but I really wasn’t. Only when we do something consciously, full out do we get to that next level and that’s what #SelfLoveTember was all about. Playing all out, no more messing around half-heartily doing something. You’re either in or you’re out.
1) It doesn’t always feel good
Self-love doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll always feel amazing, it means when life throws you a curveball you’ll be stronger to handle it. It means doing the nitty-gritty work on realising why you don’t feel good in the first place. Then you can heal what needs to heal. Gamechanger. If you’re already in a good place then life will become even better.
2) There will be opportunities to rise
As you work on self-love sometimes life will present you with opportunities to rise. I had this happen to me this month and it hurt, but then I remembered I am my own saviour. That’s how much I get to love myself. I also realised sometimes the things that feel shitty, is divine intervention, clearing out what no longer serves us. Even if it feels a bit shit, trust and you will see.
3) Judgement hurts you
After said hurt, I found myself being judgemental. Then I realised this doesn’t feel good to me. It didn’t feel self-loving. It’s not, remember what other people do is none of your business. Let them be. Live and let live. Again. Choose to Rise. It’s one of the most loving things you can ever do for yourself. Judgement is toxic and it hurts you way more than it hurts them.
4) Less is more
I found when trying to do self-love we can overcomplicate it and give our selves a long to-do list. Self-love should feel loving. I planned to do loads of workouts, which didn’t happen because I found starting a new job meant my body was adapting to that. Exercise is of course very self-loving, but so is listening to your body. Less became more. I also found I didn’t create as much content for #SelfLoveTember as I planned to because of work, nobody minded. Your vibe is the most important thing, had I tried to do the same workload as I originally planned with the new job I’d of burnt out. Less is nearly always more. What your doing should feel good and not just be another to-do list. Liberation wins, so if your goals don’t free good or make you feel better after, give yourself permission to pass on them. That is a great act of self-love.
5) People pleasing is sneaky
A few times I had to catch myself out because I felt a bit off. I’d break it down and realise it was because I was in some way worrying about what someone else thought of me without being aware straight away. We can tell ourselves we are just trying to make a good impression or keep the peace, but sometimes what we are really doing if we look closer is wanting everyone to like us. Love yourself enough to know when you’re trying to prove yourself. What your boss, neighbour, family members, kids teacher, etc think of you doesn’t matter. When you catch yourself feeling concerned, love yourself enough to say “I validate myself”. What someone thinks of you is also none of your business.
6) The beauty effect is messing us up
I thought I was pretty body confident, but #SelfLoveTember made me realise I still had work to do. I realised I was happy to share photos if I felt they flattered me, but actually, I lacked confidence when I found sometimes a photo was unflattering. Now I’m not saying you have to post unflattering photos of yourself online but what I am saying is you shouldn’t worry about those photos. You should be able to look at a photo and see the beauty and no when it’s just a bad photo or realise it’s not a bad photo but you are just finding faults. Not very self-loving.
I also now make a conscious effort to turn off the beauty effect on my phone camera. Now I do videos without it, I have many photos without the beauty effect but I also realised that I should proactively turn it off my phone every time – it legit takes one second, a press of a button. On my phone, you have to manually turn it off each time you take a photo and so I used to just leave it on because I didn’t see the harm in it. I still looked like me, but my skin just appeared a bit better. I never stopped to think about it before, but this month I realised how destructive that is. My skin needs no filter. I am worth that second it takes to turn it off. Love the body your in.
7) You’ll keep climbing
Self-love is an ever-climbing ladder. You can be in a good place, but you should still practise self-love because when we stop taking care of ourselves we don’t feel as good. Keep climbing. The journey is a fabulous neverending wonderful adventure that lasts a lifetime. Only when you wanna feel crap should you stop climbing the self-love ladder.
8) Good things will happen
When you feel good you attract great things into your life. My beautiful spiritual sister Selina has been doing and supporting #SelfLoveTember and her words were “I’m manifesting like a nutter”. If you pay attention and focus on all that is well in your life, you’ll see how many amazing things happen for you. As Wayne Dyer said, “we attract what we are”. Be a good human.
9) You might disappoint people
As you start taking care of your needs, some won’t like it. It’s a blessing. Don’t be afraid to disappoint people because those that really have your best interests at heart won’t be disappointed. Their disappointment is divine intel. Most people are super supportive, focus your attention on those that have your back rather than trying to please those who are making you feel crap. It’s a waste of your time, give yourself permission to disappoint them. It’s a real act of self-love. People-pleasing is totally overrated, addictive, toxic, pointless and impossible to do for everyone.
10) You don’t need to know it all
Whatever you want to do just know that you don’t need to know it all. Love yourself enough to do it anyway. You don’t need to be an expert, just believe in yourself, it’s ok to learn as you go. In fact, it’s very loving to be willing to do so. So many people don’t love themselves enough to just go for it, they’ll say they don’t know how to, but unless you try you never will. The pro was first an amateur.
11)It’s all practice
Self-love is like yoga, you get better at it the more you do it. You’ll feel better the more you do it and your life will become better the more you do it. It’s a practice and you need to show up every day for it. It doesn’t need to be anything grande, it doesn’t even need to take up any time, you can simply listen to something inspiring whilst driving or cooking. The point is every day you have to show up and do something consciously for yourself so that you feel good, it’s like saying, I matter and you do matter.
Always be the love, namaste,
It Did Do Harm – An open Letter to Grandparents & Those With Adult Children
(Blog post on generational trauma)