Today I weighed myself, I don’t do it often. I don’t think it’s the most beneficial way to get to health and fitness goals, but nonetheless it can provide some indication. I kid you not, I wanted to cry. Before anyone tells me I don’t have the right to be upset, because I’m slim then your wrong. I maybe slim, but that doesn’t mean I’m healthy or fit. It doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to be any more or any less upset about my body, health and fitness than anyone else. I don’t have any more right or any less right to feel insecure.
Do I want to feel insecure? Hell no. Nobody does and nobody should. Truth be told I think at some point in our lives we all will feel insecure about something. I don’t want to feel like I’ve let myself down. I don’t want to feel sexually unattractive, but honestly that’s how I feel. I don’t remember the last time I felt sexy and I cringe for saying this publicly. As if it’s wrong to want to feel sexy. When did I decide wanting to embrace my femininity was such a bad thing. When did wanting to feel hot and strut my stuff feel so cringe.
I’ve now turned 31 and I’m saying that as if I’m old (I’m well aware I’m not), but I’ve started to dress older. Don’t get me wrong as we get older, I think we should be more mindful of what we wear. I mean I’m all for not giving a frig what people think, but there is a fine line between not getting old before your time and mutton dress as lamb. At the School my daughter used to go to there was a Mum who looked late 40’s I’d say. She used to wear a mini skirt to do the School run. Now I admire her confidence I really do. She also had great legs, but despite that it didn’t look right to me. Maybe I’m judgemental, but to me there was nothing flattering about it. I’m the kinda women that will say when a women looks great, but that vibe wasn’t there. I know it’s certainly not all about looks, but it just seemed a little cringe. Maybe it was the fact she was doing the School run, but I don’t think it was. She just looked too old, it didn’t look nice. Of course this is only my opinion. To me it just looked like a desperate plead to hold onto her youth. As if to say “I still have it”. Yes indeed she still had very good legs, but call me a bitch but the face didn’t match. Does it need too though and what does that even mean? Somewhere along the line I’ve started to buy into what other people believe is the appropriate way to dress for your age and occasion. Maybe she just really liked the skirt. Everything is assumptions these days. Maybe she wasn’t trying to be sexy, maybe she isn’t trying to hold onto her youth. Maybe she just wanted to wear the f**cking skirt and it’s certainly none of my business. I may come across that I’m judging her for wearing it I’m not. In a strange way I admire her. Not that I have any desire to wear a mini skirt on the School run, but should I want too I wouldn’t dare too.
For the record I don’t think there is anything wrong with an older women wearing a mini skirt or a cleavage revealing top. My point is I personally think it gets to the point where it stops looking nice and I would hope to realise when I’ve got to that stage. Over the past couple of years I’ve really felt my body and face has aged. This of course is inevitable, I am going to age and I hope I can embrace age with grace. Truthfully I haven’t been having much grace about it at all. The older I’ve felt, the more insecure I’ve felt. It’s been an internal struggle.
I’m told as you get older you start caring a lot less what people think of you and whilst I whole heartily agree with that, I have disliked myself a lot more as I’ve felt myself age. I feel sometimes I’m having a premature midlife crisis. I’m worried about crows feet, cellulite and whether I’m just a bit old to pull certain items of clothes off. I wish I could tell you I’m growing old gracefully, but I’m not. I feel unfit, unsexy and dam p*ssed off with myself for letting myself become so unfit. As my fitness declined so did my confidence. It’s not the age that bothers me, it’s my lack of confidence in myself as I’ve got older. I haven’t created videos for weeks, because my self-esteem is at an all time low. Losing weight these days seems also impossible. I’m overwhelmed by the information given out to get fit or lose weight. The last thing I need (no matter how good the intention) is more good advise.
So vanity has struck, Summer is coming and I want to look and feel fit. I want to look good in a bikini. I should just focus on being healthy and I am, truly I am. However back in 2013 when I was the fittest I’ve ever been the turning point was deciding I’d do a crop top challenge. I put it out there that for Race For Life I was going to do it in a crop top. The thought of it terrified me, but boy oh boy did I work hard to get into shape. After completing the challenge, I continued staying in shape because I had the bug for it. Being healthy and fit became a part of me. A part of me that was healthy and that I loved. I lost that when falling pregnant with my son and 6 months after he was born I’d give up the fitness business. The love was lost. I was too exhausted being a Mum and my priorities were different.
Since giving up Work it Baby and no longer being an instructor my fitness has continued to plummet, whilst weight gain has slowly risen to now being a stone and a half heavier. Now things are different I’m finally ready to get sort it. I kept saying before I wanted too, but truthfully whilst I wanted too I wasn’t committed. My son is three this Summer and I want to be in shape. I want to do it before I feel too old. I feel time is pressing against me, perhaps that’s the premature crisis talking but the matter feels urgent. I feel every year getting into shape is getting harder so if I don’t do it now, I might never do it. Of course I know it’s never too late to get into shape, but I also want to feel hot. Call me ageist but the older you get the harder I think that look can be to achieve.
I also want to be able to look back and think “man I was fit in my thirties”. I don’t want to have regrets and what if’s. People say crap like life is too short so have the cake, but I tell you what I regret eating pizza much more often than I do quinoa.
So this is me announcing that this year I’ll be doing The Crop Top Challenge again. I have 14 weeks to look good in a crop top and I’ll be posting the photo on social media to keep me accountable eek! Now I know anyone can wear a crop top, but I’m a bit vain/insecure to wear one unless I’m feeling fit so that’s my mode of motivation sorted. Wish me luck,
Events will resume once it’s safe from Covid-19. I’ll keep you updated on social media.