I feel like Sex gets discussed in the media a lot, but the real stuff you need a girlfriend to tell you is OK, not so much.
Here are 8 Things All Women Should Know About Sex
If you struggle to orgasm during sex know many women do. It’s perfectly normal. In fact, 70% of women need direct clitoris stimulation to orgasm. That’s because nearly all the nerve endings are in your clitoris (approximately 8 thousand). So if penetration alone doesn’t get you off, then you’re in good company. Get your partner to find a position where they can help stimulate the clit with their hands.
“You shouldn’t feel embarrassed to assert your right to orgasm! If they get to come, so should you – no matter how long that takes!”
Nyomi – Nomipalony
“A lot of women struggle to orgasm through penetrative sex, it doesn’t make you strange or rubbish at it. Experiment and find a way that works for you!”
Emma-Louise – Even Angels Fall
2) Your Libido is Yours
Whether you have what’s deemed as a high or low sex drive (although who gets to decide what’s high or low is beyond me) know that’s fine. However often you do or don’t want to have sex is totally OK. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Let’s be honest nobody really knows what a high or low sex drive is, it’s all just BS the media has decided.
Having a good libido is a sign of good health, but know it totally differs from woman to woman and it doesn’t really matter. Don’t compare yourself to other women. If you’ve lost your sex drive completely then check in with yourself because sometimes it’s stress-related. Basically look after yourself and take the time to find out what turns you on again. Sometimes losing your sex drive is simply an opportunity to have better sex than ever.
3) It’s OK to be vanilla. It’s OK to be wild.
Whatever you like in the bedroom, it’s all good. Know that. If you’re a bit on the wild side don’t be afraid to show that side. If you mostly get off on the basics then stick with that.
“It’s not like the movies at all!!! With the right guy, you can experiment with a lot of things whether it be positions, toys, outfits etc. But do not feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with. If he is the right guy for you, he will understand this and will be ok to not do something.”
Lianne – Little Mummy Harris
4) Communication Is Key
Sex should be good. If it’s not doing it for you then go and talk to your partner about it. Although be tactful. Sometimes it’s better to show someone what you like.
Good sex quite often comes down to confidence for both you and your lover, so be sure to build each other’s confidence. If you like something then make sure they know that, whether you tell them verbally or by your body language, let them know.
5) You Need To Choose a Lover Carefully
If you’re not feeling up to it then you should never be made to feel bad about it (although please do look into ways of naturally increasing your libido if it’s not a temporary thing, for your sake, not theirs).
Don’t be made to feel guilty about someone else’s needs and it should go without saying that if you’re not giving them as much sex as they apparently need that isn’t a justification for them to go elsewhere. If you’re not happy with your relationship and that’s why your sex drive has dried up then perhaps it’s time to face the music. Either work on your relationship or don’t, but don’t waste your life being unhappy.
Your lover should be understanding and they should want to please you, but remember this works both ways. If you want a good lover, you need to be a good lover.
“That forced sex or sex where you feel pressured into it ISN’T RIGHT & you should never feel you have to or that it’s okay….”
Kayleigh – Little B & Me
That weird noises and facial expressions are all part and parcel. It’s OK to laugh at an awkward moment and that doing it with the right person makes it so much better.
Alex – Better Together Home
6) It’s OK To Be Quiet And It’s OK To Be Loud
Some women without moaning struggle to orgasm. I don’t know how this works but it does. I’d imagine it works the same way it can help with childbirth. We know making certain sounds during childbirth can help the baby come along, I’ve experienced this personally. I had the most amazing birth with my son after learning this during hypnobirthing.
Moaning during sex (and by morning I mean a natural moan, not something forced) can actually make intercourse feel better for women. Moaning also indicates to your partner you like something which is helpful for them to know. The problem with moaning is not everyone likes it and people can feel socially pressured into the fact they need to be loud.
You don’t need to be loud (unless you wish to be, although bear in mind neighbours as that could be embarrassing). As with anything with sex, just do what works for you. Moan or don’t moan. It’s no biggie, although if you’ve never tried it I feel you’re missing out.
“It’s not at it’s not like the movies… all the screaming and hair whipping etc. Don’t feel you have to moan like Meg Ryan but don’t be afraid to ask for what you want!”
Debbie – Country Heart And Home
7) Things Change
Sex is better in my thirties than it was in my twenties and prior to my twenties most of my sex was naff. My sex drive is much higher in my thirties too. At the time it felt like my sex drive increased a lot and very suddenly (I’m not sure if it was hormones or what), but that freaked me out, but know it’s perfectly normal for your sex drive to increase.
Quite often sex becomes better with age. You know what you like as you get older and quite often we are more confident in the bedroom with age.
Sex will be better at certain times in your life. If you’ve not long had a baby you might not feel frisky for a while. Things can be different after kids, I was lucky that sex became better post kids. If things don’t seem right, it’s always worth seeking some professional advice.
“Having a baby changes everything. Suddenly I’m getting these involuntary and uncontrollable air explosions out of my lady bits afterwards. What the hell is that all about?! Mood-ruiner -much!”
Nicola – Mummy Wales
“The best sex doesn’t have to include intercourse. If you are going through a dry spell don’t ignore it. To spice things up, try new things or buy a new toy.”
Kate – Modern Mum
8) Look After Your Sexual Well-being
Sex should be fun, don’t take in too seriously. Humour in the bedroom (or wherever you choose to get it on) is no bad thing. It’s important to have a healthy relationship with sex. For a long time, I didn’t. I put this down to childhood wounds, bad relationships, feminine issues and simply a lack of confidence. As well as not really knowing or owning what I liked when I was younger. I think it’s all good and well getting a partner to help you, but I also think you need to know for yourself what makes you feel excited about sex. Masturbation has been proved to be very good for us and I’m very pro-masturbation. Yet I’m not big on sex toys and I’m OK with that. Sometimes it’s just knowing that if you don’t like something everyone else seems too that’s perfectly OK.
“That it is ok to say if something hurts or is uncomfortable. Talking about how you feel during sex is so important as the man may have never been told before and he will want you to enjoy it as much as he is but he can’t know without having some sort of indication. Don’t allow anything you don’t like or don’t feel right doing.”
Always have a wee straight afterwards to flush out any bacteria and prevent UTIs!”
Georgina – Gee Gardner
Enjoy sex on your terms. Always. x
It Did Do Harm – An open Letter to Grandparents & Those With Adult Children
(Blog post on generational trauma)