I really came to realise in the last year how true love means you’ll have boundaries. In all my relationships that flourish there is a lot of respect there and the ones that don’t flourish there is either no respect or I simply haven’t put boundaries in place (AKA I’m not respecting or honoring myself). It’s something I have really struggled with and in all honesty for the purpose of being really transparent with you, I’m still learning.
I guess for a long time I believed love had no boundaries. The biggest lie ever. A complete crock of shit. I believe now we were told this by abusive people (who then passed down this conditioning to there loved ones and so on and so on AKA generational trauma and unhealthy family dynamics that have never been broken because nobody knows any different) and they did so to allow them to get away with there behavior. If we were treated badly we’d accept the poor behaviour because love has no boundaries right? Wrong. Boundaries are kind.
A lot of us find boundaries difficult because for many of us we were taught being a ‘good girl’ and pleasing. Many of us are stuck in trauma responses where we find ourselves in say the freeze trauma response where we literally cannot advocate for ourselves (that was my reality for so long). Or the fawn trauma response AKA people-pleasing. Many of learnt that you have to please to get love and to be worthy. Ugh. For many of us, boundaries are new and scary. We don’t know how to go about it, nobody taught us this and it can feel unloving and selfish to have boundaries. Boundaries, however, are anything but. Without boundaries, you’ll probably get hurt. To put it frankly you will get your arsed kicked without boundaries. So we have to do a lot of deconditioning and trauma healing work to be able to set boundaries and advocate for ourselves as it’s hella terrifying for some of us. Not to mention in abusive relationships it can be near enough possible to have them. We have trauma responses to keep us safe from unsafe people so your body will take over and do what it needs to do to keep you alive and if that means you abandon your boundaries, you’ll find you will abandon your boundaries. So we have to seek support if that’s us.
Not everyone is unsafe though and yet many of us still can’t set boundaries hence why you have to face your trauma. And FYI emotionally immature people can create just as much distress and feelings of unsafety to the human body (as people who are physically violent) hence why we won’t/can’t set boundaries with them.
I kept getting hurt because I didn’t have boundaries and this is not to blame myself for others’ behavior (I am not responsible for other’s actions and I know that now). It’s for me to be able to break the pattern by seeing how I ended up in relationships with people like that in the first place. I didn’t say or make it clear what is and isn’t OK. I didn’t communicate or least not directly or in a healthy way. I certainly never upheld anything. I didn’t possess the skills to do that. I kept quiet thinking maybe I was just being unreasonable (conditioning and a freeze trauma response) then I’d be left feeling broken by their behavior and yet all the red flags were there. Only as I say, I didn’t communicate or set boundaries let alone uphold them (again, I actually couldn’t until I did a lot of trauma healing work). Honestly, I was just as unhealthy and had just as much of a role to play in these unhealthy dynamics that were playing out only I couldn’t have done anything about it as the ways I was showing up were uncosnious. I wasn’t aware. These unhealthy cycles were all I knew. And, when I knew better I still couldn’t do it because I didn’t have the skillset you need to be able to self-advocate. That’s why getting support is incredibly useful. If you aren’t able to do that – go on your own trauma-healing journey. That’s what I had to do as I wasn’t often in a position to get additional support. I had to teach myself how to do these things. Like a toddler learning to walk, I was teaching myself how to set boundaries, advocate for myself, heal my trauma and create healthy relationships.
Now when you start setting boundaries, I will say some people won’t respect or get your boundaries once you start setting them and that’s the hardest part (and where most people stay stuck). And, here’s the thing, they don’t have to get them. I didn’t get that for so long. Boundaries are what you’ll do NOT what they’ll do – again I didn’t get that for so long. Then I’d feel powerless when my requests were ignored but requests aren’t boundaries, they are requests. Boundaries are you honoring your limits and what you will do. Boundaries don’t require others to change. Boundaries are yours to uphold whether they like them or not. However, of course, communicate and collaborate with people where applicable and aligned (constant super rigid boundaries are problematic and often unhealthy but sometimes they are important and are healthy depending on context so apply nuance depending on your circumstances. That’s a whole post for another day).
Some people may even make you feel that you’re being unreasonable for having boundaries. You’re not. Boundaries are important so don’t be manipulated to ignore your own needs, limits, desires, etc. That’s something I had to deal with which was really fucking hard and brought up my trauma even more for me to have to finally start to heal.
Boundaries create circumstances for relationships to flourish because everyone knows where they stand. No guessing, toxic games, tiptoeing around trying to do the ‘right’ thing.
It’s about mutual respect. Boundaries are you honoring yourself and the relationship by allowing yourself to be well and free from resentment because you’ve respected your own limits. That’s really what it boils down to. I think most relationships fail because communication and boundaries either break down or never existed. Boundaries are about transparency. It’s honoring your needs because they matter. It’s never and I want to be very clear about this, it’s never about telling someone how they must be or what they must do. It’s about you loving yourself and someone else enough to create the space for the relationship to thrive by both knowing where the lines are. Knowing what matters to each other and where each other stands. Respecting each other. And, only you can uphold your boundaries AKA those lines.
Boundaries are like guideposts. A way to go forward with love even after a difficult conversation or different points of views because you were brave enough to show up and honor what is and isn’t okay for you. To not sit on what doesn’t feel right or healthy. You placed a boundary instead. It’s putting an end to toxicity and resentment.
What’s common sense or simply the right thing to do, to you, might not be to someone else. Or simply put sometimes people take the piss because they think you’ll accept that and that you’ll just be OK about it. So be clear, communicate with grace, and always have boundaries and above all and taken from a speech by Oprah “When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time”.
Be good to yourself and think about any relationships that aren’t thriving, draining or causing you any distress. Then choose to set some boundaries. It’s such a sacred and essential act of self-care. A one that allows you to be emotionally and physically well and at your best. Rather than being burnt out and incredibly dissatisfied with your relationships.
Kirsty xxx
