I don’t know how to start this blog post, it’s been months since I posted properly I almost feel I’ve forgotten how to blog. It’s been so long that I feel the pressure to get it right. That’s the very reason I haven’t been blogging recently. There was no pressure for me with regards to this blog other than the pressure I put on myself. No pressure whatsoever yet I felt it. I wanted the pressure to stop and the only way for the pressure to stop was to stop blogging and just trust things will work out in my career. I felt myself trying to prove myself once again. The blog became more successful than I imagined and yet rather than enjoying it I felt the need to then make it big time or at the very least better. To prove that I can actually be successful and that I’m a somebody. Not just the woo-woo girl who struggles with grammar and always felt insecure about the fact she’s not that bright.
I don’t feel fulfilment in my career and I was putting a lot of pressure on this blog to fill that void. The problem was getting freelance work, invitations to PR events, starting Dorset Lifestyle Bloggers and landing paid sponsored posts didn’t help. None of it fulfilled me. None of it. I felt huge gratitude for it all but more than that I felt a lot of disbelief about it all. Like seriously, did they contact the wrong person perhaps? I don’t feel that way anymore. I understand my value a lot more now and often turn down work because my time is valuable.
Money doesn’t drive me so unless it’s a post I feel really excited to do then the money really ain’t worth it. The problem here is that I also know the importance of earning a wage so if the money wasn’t going to come from collaborations with brands then where would the dosh come from? I mean I quite fancy a lavish holiday, to decorate and to go shopping without having to worry if I can afford it.
Indeed money doesn’t drive me but I’m intelligent enough to know it’s important and that’s where the pressure came. I knew hustling for work in this blogosphere wasn’t worth it for me because when I got it or people came to be offering work it never fulfilled me anyway. That realisation brought up a whole load of panic. Like, sh*t, what do I do now? My whole career path was riding on being a blogger and I’m not even enjoying it anymore. That realisation whilst scary was so good for me.
It didn’t feel that way at the time, I felt in total panic mode but boy oh boy did it serve me well. All I knew was I had to stop blogging whilst I worked it out and take a leap of faith that it would indeed all work out. That process felt really rubbish. I didn’t know what to do with myself and so the only thing I could was to work on my insecurities and it started back in February when I realised I didn’t really love myself. I loved myself when I was doing well with my blog or something that I deemed as successful, but not through the tough times. I would beat myself up those times. Through the storm, I learnt that you have to choose to rise which is the only post I did write because that was fulfilling, heartfelt and healing.
Through the pain of insecurities coming to light, the feeling of betrayal and the lack of fulfilment something beautiful happened. Through slowing down whilst I tried to work stuff out I got clearer on what I really wanted in life, found peace and embraced who I am. There is more work for me to do here. I don’t have self-love nailed and I won’t pretend otherwise but I no longer judge the days I struggle to enjoy life. I move in closer and see it as a message to remind myself to pay closer attention to the path I’m on so I can choose wisely.
What happens when you do that? More fulfilment, more joy and big f*cking solutions. Ideas blossom. Creativity soars. Happiness stops being the end goal.
We have an obsession with being happy and it’s ridiculously unhealthy. Pay attention to what fulfils you and you naturally feel happier. Being happy is a fleeting emotion, fulfilment lasts and lasts. I don’t worry anymore if one day I don’t feel happy. Instead, I just thank myself for the intel and then pay attention to what I’ve been doing. I can guarantee if I’m not feeling happy then what I’m doing hasn’t been fulfilling and now I realise that I can make changes.
Going forward I’m working on a few projects all of which are new territory for me. All of which I’m crapping myself about. Can I execute on this? Have I got what it takes? Seriously can I pull this off? What if it doesn’t work out? What on earth am I doing? I’m totally overwhelmed. I’m worried it won’t work. I feel the fear and insecurities all coming to light and I’m working on them and learning to trust in the process.
Even writing this post is scary because now you know I’m working on a few projects I feel the pressure to see it through. Only I actually want to see it through, but I guess the real fear is what if I big this all up and people think it’s crap? Or worse I can’t even bring it to light and pull it off at all? And there it is. Bang. Insecurity is bubbling over.
My need to prove myself has come back, the pressure to earn good money and feel successful has reared its ugly head again and yet none of the projects I’m working on is about that. All of these projects came from a good place. All of them feel incredibly fulfilling to work on. All of them came organically to me when I stopped trying to make something happen and just worked on myself. The ideas came because I wasn’t trying to force them and make stuff happen to feel worthy. None of them came from wanting to bring them to light to earn money from or to look good/ successful. I just want to create them out of love. Knowing that somebody is really going to vibe with it the way I did. The more people I speak to the more I know I’m not alone.
So many people aren’t living fulfilling lives. They may be happy, but fulfilment ain’t the same. Fulfilment brings joy and joy matters. So the projects I’m working on are done with love because they were healing for me and I know they will be of service to someone else. So, I’m going to work on them and make them the best I can with the tools and means I have. To get back to enjoying the process because that’s the whole f*cking point.
There is no point in doing anything that makes you miserable so as I remember to create them for that place and thank the insecurities for the intel. I can breathe again knowing it’s all gonna be ok. I can get a job or bring in money multiple ways so I don’t need to force anything to happen.
I have nothing to prove and just a life to live. So going forward I choose fulfilment, trust and love. I will work on projects that fill me up, trust that everyone will work out and practise chilling the frig out. Answers always come when I simply relax and let go of the need for things to be a certain way.
So in regards to this blog, I will write as and when it feels good. I’m putting down the pressure. If it feels good then I’ll write a lot and if it doesn’t I won’t write. I want to write more blog posts again on things that bring me joy and fulfilment in the writing of them. I will do more on YouTube. No editing because that feels right, honest and loving. There will be brand and sponsored collaborations if I love what they are about, but mostly it will just be my ramblings on what it really means to love yourself because that’s what I do best. That’s what fulfils me. That’s what the world needs more of so that’s my focus for me and my work. So until next time, much love, Kirsty xx